


Don't Stay Here

by SomeSunnyDay



Series: Trusting A Feeling [5]
Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Instability, Murder, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reckless Use of a Tape Deck For Context, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeSunnyDay/pseuds/SomeSunnyDay
Summary: Slight documentation of Edgar's mental state through tapes, due to Johnny affecting him for the worst. Johnny doesn't understand the weight of his decisions to Edgar's well being until he breaks down in public, and going through Edgar's tape deck.
Relationships: Johnny "Nny" C./Edgar Vargas
Series: Trusting A Feeling [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1562908
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	1. Overdose Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote the majority of this in the last two days. I'm not sure if I'll just leave this fic as the last one in the series or continue in some way or another.

Edgar tried everything he could, nothing was working. He learned a while ago about redirecting his thoughts, snapping his fingers usually worked but not now, he was shaking too much. He sat down and took steady breaths hoping to calm the twisting pain in his chest. He passed out after the first few minutes.

When he woke up again, he was in a lot of pain. Sitting at the table, at the chance of passing out didn’t do him any favors. He rubbed his neck and rolled his shoulders, he got up and made himself lunch because apparently he slept for a while. 

After he ate, he ran his Yamaha and logged what happened. 

_ “..December 8th, 1996. I had a panic attack again, it was more difficult to navigate this time. I had to sit down at the table but I ended up passing out. I need to get more Bactine. I..uh..I keep having to suppress these-..these thoughts and urges that I’m having. They’re very violent, I get headaches from them a lot of the time. I tried talking to Johnny about it once, he didn’t respond well. He kept asking questions I didn’t have answers to..I still don’t have them, I wish I did.” _

Edgar stopped the tape and put everything away, Johnny was coming over soon. They had to get rid of more bodies.

________

Johnny was in the basement all day, he said he was trying to kill himself.

Edgar didn't know how to respond. 

He puked up everything he tried to eat, nothing would stay down.

He sat on his bed, snapping his fingers. His thoughts were becoming worse,  _ if that was even possible at this point. _ He was digging his nails in a person's eyes in one thought, cannibalizing their organs, forking them out of their stomach in another. He woke up screaming a lot. Johnny seldom stayed over anymore. Edgar wished he could just take his razor and be done with it already.

He laid himself down, he was shaking again. Maybe going into town would help, he was hopeful that maybe getting an ice cream or something would make him feel better. Maybe he could do that sometime soon if Johnny didn’t need him for anything.

He shut his eyes, he's been passing out more lately. Sleep came easy, but his dreams weren't so welcoming.

___________

Edgar got up with the feeling of pain. He tried to get away from it but he felt hands holding him down. He opened his eyes and there was a man on top of him, he then looked to his chest, it was bleeding.

“You really thought you could take Nny away from me?”

Edgar didn’t understand at first- at least until he remembered Johnny talking about being watched all week. This must’ve been the man he was talking about. Edgar shook his head, “No.” he said, quietly. He was hoping that if he was calm he could resolve this. If not, Johnny put a knife at the side of the bed frame a while ago, to which Edgar hoped to God he wouldn’t have to use.

He tried to get out of this man’s hold, he winced all the way through that struggle. The man laughed and mocked him, “Ha! You can’t hurt me! Or get up. You’re gonna pay for hurting Nny. See I know what he needs, I know what he wants ‘cause we’re the same- but you..”

The man put the bloody knife to Edgar’s throat and pressed harshly, “Oh but you.. You’re nothing to him, I’m gonna cut you out of his life and I’m gonna take your place and be better to him than you ever were.” Edgar struggled and the man laughed again.

Edgar pushed him off roughly, he got cut on the throat and he gaped, holding his neck. The man fell off the bed and got up again quickly. Edgar reached under the bed and grabbed the knife and as the man came down on him, he stabbed him in the stomach.

The man’s eyes went wide and Edgar, scared out of his mind now, drove the knife in more. The man coughed up blood and Edgar felt himself cry and laugh at the same time. It came out in little bursts nervously- he couldn’t stop twisting the knife and laughing. The man looked shocked and horrified and Edgar pushed him down on the bed and he felt immense anger. He felt like the combined stress of his life at this point and the pain of suffering with his thoughts and urges by himself flood out while stabbing the man below him. He screamed, continuing to stab the man, even long after he’d died.

Edgar’s arms were smeared in blood, he stopped. He sat there and felt almost completely detached from himself. He moved off the bed slowly, auto piloted. His legs were matted with dried blood from it pooling in the sheets. He went to his radio down stairs and turned it on and turned the volume all the way up.

_ “..Oh my love, my darling, I’ve hungered for your touch, a long, lonely time..” _

Edgar went into the upstairs bathroom and when he looked in the mirror, he didn’t recognize himself, slight differences made his mind unplug the familiar structure of his face as he stared at it. There was blood spatter on his cheeks, his eyes were something he couldn’t process. The blood broke up his face and he cried again.

_ “..Lonely rivers sigh, ‘wait for me, wait for me.’ I’ll be coming home, wait for me..” _

Edgar looked down to his hands and ran the faucet slowly. Washing everything off and drying his hands Edgar felt cold. His neck and chest would heal fine without stitches. He took a wet paper towel to his face when he got down stairs. He looked over to the radio and turned it down a bit.

After Edgar took a second to breathe he went back upstairs to dispose of the man’s body. He cut the important pieces off in the basement, things that couldn’t fit in the bags themselves. He packed everything up and dragged it out to his car and went to the area he and Johnny usually disposed of bodies at.

Back at home after a few hours, Edgar sat on the couch looking at the man’s ID card, Jimmy was his name. 

Edgar put that ID in with the others that he kept occasionally, guilty that they were away from their respective owners. Edgar sighed and put the box back in his closet, yes, he even felt guilty for killing Jimmy. 

Edgar laid down after he scrubbed the mattress and replaced his bed sheets. He laid there for a long time before he finally passed out, he dreamed of a warm day covered in a wash of rusted blood.


	2. Not Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only up from here.

“Yeah- I thought it’d be something nice that we could do together.”

Edgar sat on the kitchen counter talking with Johnny after he got up from a nap.

“I suppose, though I really wouldn’t advise staying in one spot and eating. People don’t know how to be fucking decent.”

Edgar nodded, even if he didn’t really agree. “Yeah, so see you tomorrow then?”

He heard a distant scream through Johnny’s end,  _ he must be walking through the basement again. _

“Mhm, see you tomorrow.”

Edgar wished him good luck and Johnny told him to have a good night. Edgar hung up the phone and got off the counter, he sighed as the thought of shoving his thumbs in Johnny’s eyes popped up. He hated how satisfying that felt to him. Edgar hoped he could sleep the thoughts off, it seemed to work most of the time. He really wouldn’t want those thoughts parading around in his head tomorrow.

He flicked the air absently, barely paying attention to the stairs as he walked up them. He got ready for bed after he set out clothes to wear for tomorrow.

In the morning he got up, excited at going to go out with Johnny. As he got dressed he thought of how he could bring up Johnny coming over more often. Maybe things can go back to how they used to be.

Edgar locked his front door, then unlocked and locked it again, just in case. As he walked off the property he felt a bit of hesitance and looked back to his house. He shook his head and continued to walk. 

When he got to the ice cream shop Johnny was waiting at one of the outside tables. Edgar went up and waved to him, “Hey Johnny.”

Johnny got up and he smiled a little and nodded to go inside. Edgar trailed behind him. They got in line and ordered their ice cream. When they sat down they were silent for a while, Edgar ate his caramel vanilla quietly as Johnny was stabbing his waffle cone bowl lightly. 

“I was thinking of how you sounded when we talked a while ago.” Johnny didn’t look up from the vanilla slowly melting in the bowl. 

Edgar tensed, it was about Jimmy, he still hasn’t exactly made peace with his death actually.

“What about it?” he asked, it was difficult to keep his voice level.

Johnny looked up to the door and flicked his head to it, gesturing to leave. Edgar nodded and threw his unfinished cone in the trash, he didn’t want to eat any more with the conversation they were about to have. Johnny stepped out first and again Edgar trailed behind.

They walked a good distance away from where people were and Johnny spoke again.

“You sounded very..let’s see..very detached when I called. I was concerned. You’re fine now so I thought I should tell you that I was.”

Edgar nodded, Johnny had a very odd way of showing emotions like those. He expected the conversation to drop there but Johnny picked it up again as they continued to walk.

“Though..I went back to the usual spot and found bags that I didn’t place. I know those came from you because they smelled like fresh linen and lavender.”

Edgar tripped slightly and stopped, he muttered, “..What?”

Johnny turned to him, “I opened a bag and found my stalker’s head.” Johnny’s tone was cautious. He continued, “What did you do?” he asked.

Edgar felt his mind light up with fire and his reality crashed around him. He stood there and he couldn’t say a thing. Johnny inched towards him and asked again, “What did you do?”

Edgar felt like a bullet went through his chest, “I-..I..” He tried his best to explain but it felt like an anvil was dropped on him and tears ran down his cheeks as he softly fell to the sidewalk below.

He felt Johnny’s hands grip his face, he kept his eyes closed as Johnny lifted his head.

“Tell me what you did.”

Edgar sobbed, he explained his thoughts, his urges, how he killed Jimmy. Everything. He felt Johnny tense at the way Jimmy died, how Edgar could be so brutal. He let go of his face and Edgar cried a little harder, he didn’t want Johnny to go. As Johnny got up he said calmly, “Get up, you need to go lay down.”

Edgar tried to get up after he wiped his face on his sleeve, though his body was heavy and tired from belting out so much emotion all at once. He opened his eyes and Johnny was looking at him with uncertainty. He walked towards Edgar and helped him up and walked him back home.

After Edgar was put to bed Johnny looked around for any tells for Edgar’s shift in mental state. The clouds gathered outside and when Johnny found a box with tapes, it started to rain. Each were labeled with dates sometimes months in between. He pulled out 6 from the last 3 months.

Johnny went over to the tape deck and put in the tape for October and sat down with a headset.

“ _..October 19th,1996. Johnny and I went to the park today, sadly though, we had to leave due to the people around. I really didn’t like having to leave but if it means more people, no matter how inconvenient, can be spared then it’s alright. I really like it when Johnny laughs though, I did a well off job on that when we got back to the house. But yeah I sort of agree, fuck that guy calling us faggots honestly, I really don’t think he knows where that term came from. Gay people being rolled up in carpets and burned alive is sickening. Though, I feel the Lord will punish him accordingly by himself; karma’s a bitch.” _

Johnny stopped the tape, he laughed a little at that last addition. He put another one in for November, there were two entries for that month.

_ “..November 8th, 1996, Halloween was a very interesting day, Johnny’s neighbor Todd had asked us to take him trick-or-treating since his parents didn’t want to. I have a feeling they don’t actually take care of him, but that other little boy..what was his name?..Pepito there it is. His friend Pepito’s parents took care of him well so I hope he has them to fall back on. I wish I could take care of him, I think I’d make a decent parent probably. I just don’t know how to take care of one with that many signs of PTSD. I really hope he gets out of that situation soon, I think I’ll call CPS if Johnny allows. He has a bond with Todd and I don’t want to take that from him, or separate Todd from seemingly his only friend. Though if he isn’t taken care of as soon as possible I’ll be sure to find him the help he deserves.” _

Johnny sat there for a good minute. Edgar only met Todd twice so far and he thinks so much of him already..

He shook his head and played another tape. Edgar sounded very angry this time.

_ “November 20th, 1996. God damn it Johnny can’t fucking step away from people provoking him. All the guy was trying to do was get a rise out of him, and Johnny didn’t  _ **_fucking back off_ ** _. I asked him several times to just let it go but no! He always has to sit there and take matters into his own hands, said he had to because the universe still needed his guidance. Fuck that and fuck his fucking delusions of being the only damn person having to deal with these people. Newsflash Johnny! You’re not the only person who interacts with assholes on a daily basis! Think of the people who work in retail for fucks sake. I can’t imagine for one second that he could’ve ever been the bigger man and knew when to back down. He should learn to walk away, it’s really  _ **_not that fucking hard._ ** _ ” _

Johnny slammed the stop button, Edgar knew those lowlife degenerates would never stop following him even if he  _ walked away _ .

He calmed himself down and sighed, ok. Next tape.

_ “..December 6th, 1996. So I bought Johnny a new knife, I know he has so many already and that I’m enabling his behaviors but I really didn’t feel comfortable with him using one with a rusted handle that, when I put it away, left literal rust chips on my hand. I hope he likes it, really. It’s not the cost of it or the intended purpose but that I’m thinking of him..I’m not sure if that makes any sense. I just want him to know that I really do love him.” _

Johnny sat back when he put the tape on the desk, he’d never heard Edgar say that he loved him, maybe he was afraid to. Considering last time Johnny tried to explain that he wanted to retain the moment Edgar didn’t take it so well and asked him to leave for a little while.

Next tape with January, since he didn't grab December 8th. 

_ “January 15th, 1997...I um..I killed someone yesterday..his name was Jimmy..he tried to kill me. I hurt him more than I wanted.” _

There was a long pause and Johnny thought that the tape was running off and jamming before Edgar spoke again, Johnny didn’t recognize his tone of voice, like he was a different person.

_ “..I liked when he looked at me..”  _ Edgar laughs softly  _ “Like ‘how could you do this?’ like I betrayed him or something..like he wasn’t expecting me to stab him 48 times.” _ he laughs again, harder,  _ “Silly. Oh so stupid. He said that he could take care of Johnny better than I could because they were the same. He fought back, or tried to, got a good swipe of the knife at my neck and chest. Good thing I don’t need stitches, I’ll just wear a turtleneck until things heal..” _ there was another pause.  _ “I want to hurt someone like that again, it felt so freeing, like I could go all out, and I did. I have to burn and buy more sheets though, that was really the only inconvenience I had. I’m starting to see why Johnny likes to hurt people when he’s upset, it’s a very nice release.” _

Johnny looked to the last tape he pulled, the most recent, he was hesitant to put that one in. He rewound the tape and listened to the part about the wounds. He got up once he stopped the tape. He walked slowly up the stairs, looking down at the carpet. There were blood drops still faintly visible. Johnny felt guilty. Walking quietly to Edgar’s room and going in, he looked over to the bed. Edgar was laying on his back, sweater and shirt off. Johnny went closer and saw the scabs of the wounds Edgar had mentioned.

Johnny sat softly down on the bed, winced when Edgar stirred, and sighed when he went back to sleep. He looked at the scabs again. He felt responsible for those, he shouldn’t have let Jimmy go. After Johnny got back from Hell it seemed like things were still going wrong. He felt and he didn’t like it, but Edgar said it was healthy for him to let them out. Edgar was important to Johnny and he almost died unbeknownst to him. Why didn’t Edgar call? Johnny would’ve helped. He had to deal with this by himself and the way he broke down today made that abundantly clear.

The tape recording disturbed him, the way Edgar laughed. He hoped that was just a momentary lapse of reason and that he’s not thinking that way anymore.

Johnny sighed and woke Edgar up.

“Hey.” he said quietly, Edgar blinked himself awake and waved weakly.

Johnny bent forwards and kissed Edgar, he tasted like the ice cream he had. Edgar slowly kissed back, most likely cautious. 

Johnny tried to put all he had into the kiss because the realization that he loved Edgar became very apparent right then. He loved him and he didn’t want him hurt, he didn’t want him in this emotional pain. He wanted Edgar happy.

Edgar gripped lightly at Johnny, he didn’t exactly care for it but this wasn’t just about what he wanted anymore. He held Edgar back as he sat up. Johnny broke the kiss eventually and breathed and softly said, “I’m so sorry for putting you through this Edgar..” he held his face like he did earlier. Edgar started to tear up again, voice breaking he said, “I accept your apology..”

“I’m going to think of you more now, I now understand that you’re less jaded than I am. You can’t live in the same pit of Hell as me and I’m sorry I couldn’t see that sooner.” Johnny kissed Edgar’s head and Edgar laughed lightly.

“I have a request for you, if you’ll allow.”

Johnny held Edgar’s hand and nodded.

“I want you to lessen killing people, not stop completely since I know you can’t do that but maybe just don’t do it every time you get pissed off.”

Johnny laughed and nodded, “I’ll try the best that I can.”

Edgar smiled, “That’s all I want, is for you to try.”

Johnny hugged Edgar and laid him back down. He laid next to him and sighed. They were quiet for a while before Johnny spoke again, softly, “I love you.” he said.

Edgar kissed Johnny’s hand and said, “I love you too.”

They eventually took a nap and Johnny made Edgar dinner when they got up, he laughed as Edgar tried to eat it. Edgar made it a joke for the next hour at how Johnny couldn’t cook if his life depended on it.

They stayed up watching cheesy horror movies and fell asleep on the couch, in the morning they went out to get Todd and took him to get breakfast at a buffet. Edgar got a few intrusive thoughts throughout the day but he knew he was going to be ok.  _ They were going to be ok. _


End file.
